Coming up on the year

I never thought that I would be able to have children. I always felt like because I wanted them so much, that I would probably not be able to have them and I almost thought that my prophecy may be true when I did not because pregnant after two and a half years of trying.
I knew I was pregnant right away; I mean immediately. I cannot explain it other than I felt a sort-of "spark" in my belly. I remember lying in the dark, hands on my stomach, thinking, "That was it.". When my husband's birthday rolled around the next week, I turned down a glass of wine, because I just knew. When I did the annul MS walk-a-thon a few weeks later, I took it easy and didn't exert myself too much, because I was absolutely certain.
So, it was no surprise to me when the due date for my period came and went without any signs. I held out doing the test. I didn't tell anyone. It was kinda fun! I'd never kept a secret before. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up at 4 am and took the test. Positive, I KNEW IT!!! I hid the test in my underwear drawer and went to work. I went about my day as usual, keeping that little secret to myself. I didn't want the bubble to burst, as it had before.
I had never been so sure of anything in my life as I had been about just knowing that I was pregnant. I'm sure there is no possible way for me to know that for sure, but I like believing the magic. I was completely trusting my intuition at that moment, something I may never experience again.
I felt you in my body that second, the very moment you were conceived. I felt you live in me, breath in me, move in me. I feel you even now, though you are not in my presence.
I will feel you forever.

Clear vision

Jacob has an appointment with the optometrist on Monday. They tested his vision in school and saw enough of a problem to request a more in depth test with the doctor. Jacob's mom called last night with the news. All summer we were concerned about his eyes. He was blinking a lot, which his mom chalked up to the chlorine in the pool. I wasn't so sure. I asked him if he could see the pattern on some wallpaper about 30 feet away and he couldn't. Once we got up close he could tell that it was a square.
The funny thing is, is that Jacob is the one who's been clamoring for the eye appointment. He wants glasses in the worst way! Every chance he gets, he's either wearing my or my mom's glasses. And he looks adorable in them. As my brother-in-law said last night, "Harry Potter made wearing glasses cool". I think that if he starts wearing them now, when he's still young, they will just be natural to put on every morning. I think the worst thing that the optometrist can tell a kid is that they only have to wear the glasses when they read or watch tv. Because then they will never wear them! And I would know.
I got glasses in the 3rd grade and didn't start wearing them on a regular basis until I was 12. I couldn't read the board and I was too shy to walk up to the front of the class. I was failing my classes. One of my teachers called my mom and he found out about me & my glasses. See, I never wore them at school. The teacher called me out the next day in class. "Julie, where are your glasses?" I thought that I would just die. 30 pairs of eyeballs on me and someone at my table said, "You wear glasses?!". From that point on, the glasses went on every morning without fail. My eyes are so bad now that even with contacts, I will never have perfect vision. I'm just so glad that Jacob has a better attitude than I had with the glasses. And he looks as cute as a button wearing glasses. Even better than Harry Potter!

Drinking tea

I am drinking a mug of tea; some sort of black cherry-berry kind. I love the fruit teas, sweetened just a bit. I am trying to enjoy it while swamped here at work, but I'm finding it hard to escape the grind.
About a month ago, our merchandising department was interested in carrying a green tea extract. With just a few drops of the extract into a glass of water, the drinker would get all the benefits of 20 cups of green tea. I just knew that if this product was in the catalog it would sell like hot cakes. However, in talking to the vendors, the owner of our company had a revelation. The vendors called from their car driving along the New Jersey Turnpike, on their way to a trade show. They were, in the words of my boss, "Completely worked up and irritated". After the disturbing call with these vendors, my boss called the owner of a holistic shop by the beach. He said, "One of the benefits of drinking green tea is actually drinking the tea. Sitting down, relaxing and drinking the tea". We decided not to carry the extract.
So, I'm drinking my tea and trying to be in the moment, relaxing and taking in it's benefits. And I'm picturing those frazzled vendors, driving down the New Jersey Turnpike, completely stressed out, guzzling their extract-laden water. I'll take a cup of hot tea in my hand anyday!

I am doing my best not to feel guilty, my sick baby at home and me here at work. If I were not completely swamped, believe me I would be home snuggling my little muffin man right now. But this is our busiest time of the year and literally, my ability to complete my work depends on if I still have a job or not.
Ian has a cold. It's the first time he's been sick and the poor guy is really miserable. His nose is snotty and crusted from being wiped. His eyes are shiny and run with tears constantly. I've kept him regularly dosed with cold medicine, we've had him sleeping with a vaporizer and I rub Vicks' Vapo-rub on his chest every night. He sleeps restlessly, wanting to be held, refusing to let us lay him down. I got a total of 4 hours sleep last night. I know that I'm doing all that can be done for him. I felt okay with my actions.
That is until the guilt-trip this morning. My husband, who is currenly unemployed again, called me at work with concern in his voice. "I think you need to come home". My stomach dropped out. "What's going on?"
"Ian won't let me lay him down... he's fussy and crying and I think something's seriously wrong. I think you need to come get him and take him to the hospital. His eyes are big and he's not responding like he normally does".
I had to explain to my husband that Ian has a cold. He doesn't feel well, which is why he wants to be held and he's not responding as well because he's sick. I also had to explain that doctor's can't give antibiotics for a cold and they would send us home with instructions to continue what we've been doing.
"Are you really that busy that you can't come home for your son". There it was. I weighed it for a second, then said emphatically, "Yes, I am too busy!" It took a good 10 minutes of convincing him before he hung up, disgusted that I would not come home.
Now, my husband is quite capable of handling this situation himself. If I had thought otherwise, if I had really thought that my son's illness was something serious, I would be home by now, holding him. But this really wasn't about my son. It was my husband just not wanting to deal with it. And for that I feel bad. I don't feel bad about not being there. I feel bad that my husband doesn't think that he's parent-enough to do it himself.

Happy days

Somedays are trying, and other days are just happy. I happened to have a happy weekend, which is fairly unusual for me. My husband took us out to brunch at IHOP on Saturday morning after Jacob's tumbling class. We all had a good time eating pancakes and watching Ian try them for the first time. Then we went home to carve our pumpkin. I had started developing a cold, so Nick had me go lay down for a nap while he finished up the pumpkin with Jake. That night we went to watch my mom sing with her college choral group at the performing arts center. They were doing an African ensemble, so there was the Afro-Cuban band, dancers, and drummers. It was all very exciting and Jacob & Nick enjoyed it immensely. On Sunday, we watched the football game (Go Chargers!), ate garlic chicken pizza, and decorated the yard for Halloween night. The boys dressed up in their garb and we took them around the block. Jacob settled, surprisingly, for just 2 pieces of candy and uneventfully went to bed without me having to nag, even rinsing with Listerine before brushing. I'm trying to keep my chin up and not focus on the not-so-pleasant things. I think this weekend was a good starting off point.