I took off my wedding ring yesterday. I'd already taken off my other two rings, the little circle of heart that Nick gave me for our first Christmas and the garnet that I'd picked out for my birthday last year. I asked him at lunch yesterday if he wanted it back. He looked me in the eye and said "You keep it. I gave it to you. Maybe Ian will want it someday". I've always loved my ring. We saw it at JcPenney's, in the sale section. A simple diamond with a gold & platinum band. It looks just like my mom's wedding ring. I had to laugh, thinking that maybe Ian would want my wedding ring. It's certainly not good luck, is it?
He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy living with my parents. I was thrown off by him looking at my face. Rarely does he connect in that way, by actually looking directly at me. I stared back and said, "Yes, I am". He's moving into his own apartment. I've already made it very clear to him that I will not be moving in with him. I can't do that roller-coaster again. He wasn't understanding; "But I have a good job. I'm never late, I've only been sick twice." That's not the point, I told him. You never know when things can change. You promised me this 5 years ago when we moved into our other apartment, that you would pay half the rent and then you lost your job and I had to struggle to pay everything myself.
"If you decide next month, or a year down the line, he said, "that you want to move back in with me...I can't say that I'll be able to say yes, that I'll have the same feelings for you again".
That's fine, I told him. I'm okay with that.
I told him that we'll just stay separated for the time being, as divorce is so expensive. We will work out child support on our own, as long as he can stick to paying money every paycheck as agreed upon. I asked him to please tell me if he decides to get involved with someone else, just to give me the courtesy as I would do for him.
I'm moving on...and I feel pretty good, though I won't deny that I get that burning in my eyes and nose of tears being held back as I write about it.