The very last time...

About a week ago, I was talking to the owner of our company about how Ian likes to rub my ear when he gets tired. He's usually rubbing his ear with his other hand. My boss said that was just so sweet and that one day I will realize he’s stopped and I'll never know, at the time, that I was getting my very last ear rub. I told her, sheesh, way to make me cry!
It was until later that I realized that this had already happened in another way. About 2 weeks ago, Ian stopped wanting to nurse. I had been offering to him and he kept refusing, so I followed author Elizabeth Pantley's method, "Don't offer, don't refuse". But Ian never asked again, so that was that. I stopped offering and Ian didn't make any more requests, and so he was weaned. He stopped and I never knew, at the time, that I was nursing him for the very last time.
I miss it, those midnight requests, when he would pull at my nightshirt. He would nurse for a bit, and then quietly drift back off. Since he's still not sleeping through the night, we still have those snuggles in the dark, when everyone else is sleeping. But now, it's just the comfort of my arms that helps him fall back asleep.
I still find myself thinking that I'm connected in that way to him. "I can't take that medicine, because I'm nursing", or "I'd better not drink any more caffeine today or it might affect Ian." He's his own person now, no longer taking in what I take. For 9 months, every thing I had, went into his body. And we extended that connection for another 15 months. No longer a baby, I must admit, that my son has become a toddler. So, I look forward to the next step, a new way of connecting, trying not to remember all of those "last moments".