I am doing my best not to feel guilty, my sick baby at home and me here at work. If I were not completely swamped, believe me I would be home snuggling my little muffin man right now. But this is our busiest time of the year and literally, my ability to complete my work depends on if I still have a job or not.
Ian has a cold. It's the first time he's been sick and the poor guy is really miserable. His nose is snotty and crusted from being wiped. His eyes are shiny and run with tears constantly. I've kept him regularly dosed with cold medicine, we've had him sleeping with a vaporizer and I rub Vicks' Vapo-rub on his chest every night. He sleeps restlessly, wanting to be held, refusing to let us lay him down. I got a total of 4 hours sleep last night. I know that I'm doing all that can be done for him. I felt okay with my actions.
That is until the guilt-trip this morning. My husband, who is currenly unemployed again, called me at work with concern in his voice. "I think you need to come home". My stomach dropped out. "What's going on?"
"Ian won't let me lay him down... he's fussy and crying and I think something's seriously wrong. I think you need to come get him and take him to the hospital. His eyes are big and he's not responding like he normally does".
I had to explain to my husband that Ian has a cold. He doesn't feel well, which is why he wants to be held and he's not responding as well because he's sick. I also had to explain that doctor's can't give antibiotics for a cold and they would send us home with instructions to continue what we've been doing.
"Are you really that busy that you can't come home for your son". There it was. I weighed it for a second, then said emphatically, "Yes, I am too busy!" It took a good 10 minutes of convincing him before he hung up, disgusted that I would not come home.
Now, my husband is quite capable of handling this situation himself. If I had thought otherwise, if I had really thought that my son's illness was something serious, I would be home by now, holding him. But this really wasn't about my son. It was my husband just not wanting to deal with it. And for that I feel bad. I don't feel bad about not being there. I feel bad that my husband doesn't think that he's parent-enough to do it himself.