By the time Jacob was the age that Ian is now, Jacob was sleeping through the night. We used the Cry-it-Out method with him. It only took a few days of him crying and then he slept through from that point on. Why did we do that? How in the world could I have laid there in the dark listening to him cry? There were a few times that he got himself so worked up that he actually vomited. I know at the time that I had read that unless a child learns how to comfort themselves, they will never learn how to put themselves back to sleep. How delusional was I? I think I must have been a different person back then, 6 years ago, to allow a baby to scream, cry, and hiccup himself to sleep. Even though I didn't think it was different then, perhaps it was because Jacob wasn't really mine. Only in hindsight, can I see that having your own flesh & blood child is different. I love Jacob as if he is mine, and I can't put my finger on it, but there is something different. So, no, Ian will not Cry-it-Out. Even though he still wakes about 4 times a night, I still trudge into his softly lit bedroom, pick up my crying baby, and nurse him gently back to sleep while catching a few zzz's myself, propped up in the recliner. And I'll continue to do it as long as it takes, so that my boy feels comforted. And as for that Cry-it-Out technique, let me just say that Jacob slept fine on his own for the first few years. But guess where's he's been sleeping for the past 4 years? Nestled right between my husband and I, comforted and warm.

Sew-crazy

Seems I have a hard time relaxing. Honestly I can't tell you the last time that I actually relaxed; you know just layed down and did NOTHING. Even when I go to bed, my mind races, thinking of my next day, listening to the hum of the baby monitor, on call and waiting for Ian to call out in the night. I wake a few times in the night to nurse Ian back to sleep. I wake early to go to work, spending my lunchtime dropping off ebay shipments at the post office or picking up groceries. After work, I head home to play with my darling boy, make dinner, do laundry. Once Ian is in bed, I get busy with my crafts, sewing projects, ebay, or my beloved Reformed Parents board. Late at night I trudge off to bed, begrudingly, not willing to give up the day. Using up every second till the last. I think I need to plan some downtime; some real relaxation time to revive myself. Right now actually. I'm headed off to bed (late of course) and I will do my best to relax all night. Let me cross my fingers that Ian has the same plan and he lets me get my beauty sleep! Good night!

My first entry

I haven't written in a diary in years. I kept one religiously for years during junior high, to the point of being anal. I wrote down every detail of my life, from my homework to what I ate for dinner. As if I would care 20 or 30 years down the line what I did every day in the 8th grade. Well, maybe I will. Maybe I'll want to see that when I'm 80, to remember that I struggled with math and that I liked steak & Rice-A-Roni with A-1 sauce when I was 12. I wrote a lot when I got out of high school, too. Mostly poetry about how lonely I was. Then I wrote a lot when I first got together with Nick. More poetry, but this time it was about how hurt I was. Haven't written any poetry in a while; I guess because I'm happy. I've got two wonderful boys who light up my world. I still get lonely and hurt sometimes, but for the most part, things are looking up. But I don't use the poetry to vent anymore. Maybe writing it all down again will help get it out. We'll see. Maybe I'll want to remember when I'm 80 the things that happened when I was 31.