People are starting to realize that I'm not wearing my wedding ring anymore. I've been explaining a bit of the details as to why we are separated and that "really, I'm okay". Honestly, I am just so done with the whole thing. I know that we will get a divorce, because I don't see anything changing that will make me want to stay in this. He is still unreliable, unpredictable, and irresponsible. I feel so dumb with myself for letting it all go as long as it did. Dumb, but relieved that now it's finally taken the turn I've been hoping for for so long.
8 1/2 years; why didn't I leave in the first 2 weeks, when he told me that he wasn't sure he was really over his ex-girlfriend yet. Why didn't I leave at 10 months, when the same ex-girlfriend got pregnant while we were living together? Why didn't I leave at 3 years, when he started staying out all night with friends, getting drunk and passing out at their houses? Why didn't I leave at 4 years, when he decided that he was "too good" for his current job and started the multi-year stretch of unemployment? Why why why?? I keep going back to these times, and ask myself why, when it was so obviously black & white, didn't I just get out?
It wasn't black & white though...only in looking back do the puzzle pieces fall together. I wanted it so badly to work. He was my first boyfriend, my first anything. I've always been able to get things to work, to fix them, to make them better. His mom and sister always said that I made him a better person. I thought that if I stuck with him long enough, I could fix all the things that he didn't like about himself. But you can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed, that denies even having a problem. We have the problems, I'm the one being "brainwashed" by my parents, I should be seeing a counselor, his mom and sister are the mental cases, not him. I don't give up easily on things. I like to see how they develop, to bring them to fruition, and not to just start and then forget. I didn't want to give up on him. From day one, I was in and I wasn't easily jumping ship.
I see him now and just smile and avoid all confrontation. He is the one missing out, I remind myself. It's a mantra that Jacob and I started when he was only 2 years old and Nick didn't want to go out with us. If we were going to the zoo, I would tell Jake, "Oh well, it's Daddy's loss, he's missing out on the elephants!" Now, Jacob tells Nick the same phrase. "You're missing out, Daddy. Daddy's missing out, isn't he Mom?"
He's missing out on so much more than he'll ever know.

My amazing boy

From the time Jacob was brand-new, I kept a journal of his accomplishments, funny things he said or did, and favorite things. I intended to do that for Ian as well, but time has escaped me and I find myself forgetting the things that he did yesterday. So, before I forget again, here are some of the amazing things I find myself marveling over, things that I want to remember tomorrow, or 5 years down the line.

You said three new words in one day. You awoke from a nap and suddenly, it was as if the gift of speech had come to you. You picked up a rubber duck and said "duck". Then you pointed to your pail with blocks and said "bucket". While we read a book, you said "clock". All the words, clear as day and completely understandable. An amazing feat, from the boy who hardly speaks.

You jumped with two feet. The first time you tried, you jumped about 3 inches off the ground and then fell back on your bottom. That surprised you but you got back up and tried again. I can't believe that you are able to jump so easily. I teach 3 year old children in the tumbling classes that can't even jump with two feet.

You pointed to my eyes, nose and mouth and said them outloud. You can already point to all of your body parts when asked, but you've never tried to say them outloud.

We were listening to N'Sync in the car and you sang along to the song, "Bye Bye Bye". Jacob and I just laughed, amazed that you picked it up so quickly and right on cue, I might add!

Grandpa gave you a piece of food off his plate. You said, "brok brok", meaning chicken.

When we go in your room, you point to the Cd player and start jumping around, dancing, indicating that you want music!

Maybe not so amazing to anyone else, but it makes me smile:) And I want Ian to have these memories, like his brother does. I'll try to do a better job of journalling. Once those moments have passed, it's difficult to recall them. And the moments are passing quicker than I stand.

Sound speech

Sheep are "baa", cats are "meow" and butterflies are mearly a fluttering of the hands over his head. Ian refuses to say an animals' name. If he sees a cow, he says "moooo". If there is a dog barking in the neighborhood, Ian barks too. When he sees an elephant in a book, he raises his arm to his head and rears back, trumpeting.
"Look, Ian! A monkey! Say 'MONKEY', Ian!" Ian will just look back with his enormous brown eyes, bring his hands up to his chest and grunt, "Ohh Ohh Ohh" and sign for a banana.
"Ian can you say HORSE? Say HORSE, Ian!" And Ian will whinny, "Neigghh!"
"A dinosaur, Ian! Can you say DINOSAUR?" Ian drops his chin and lets out a terrifying growl.
Animals aren't the only things that just have sounds. Airplanes are signified with the ASL sign and a gutteral sound. Motorcycles get more of a throaty voice. The trash truck is more of a worried look, with furrowed eyebrows, and a louder, deep sound, as he is nervous of the real sound of the trash truck.
But mostly this "sound speech" is centered around the various animals he sees around him and in books. Fish are signed, and though "ish" was one of his first words, he seems now to have abandoned it. There are three animals that have names: mouse, duck, and bird. Why, I don't know!
I know that soon enough, Ian will start calling a pig, a pig, instead of sniffing like he does now. And a frog will no longer be the deep "ribb" and the chicken won't be a "brok-brok". But the sound I will miss most will be his tiger/lion/dinosaur sound. A wonderful, low, long and loud "ROAR!!!" that seems to come from some primal place inside him. He'll know that everything has a name, himself included. And that somethings have many names, like Ian can also be called a son, grandson, brother, toddler, then boy, soon to be teenager, man, father, and grandfather. All in the blink of an eye.

1.5

We're halfway there...seems like so long ago that he was digging into that first birthday cake, even longer ago thinking of a time when he didn't run all over the house, and longer still when he relied on just breastmilk to fill his tummy. We were looking at his baby book last night, to see where cousin Owen is on his milestones compared to Ian.

At 7 days old, you held your head up and looked up at Grandpa. Today you will nod your head "yes" or shake for "no". At 3 weeks old you had your first bath and you screamed and cried like a little lamb. Today you take your bath, happy to play with a bucket, pouring water out, crying only when the water is dumped on your head for a shampoo! At 5 1/2 months old you had your first taste of food, mashed bananas. Today, you will sign "banana" and say "nana" if you see one on the counter. You will try every food, which surprises me, being the pickiest person on Earth! You gave your first kiss at 6 months old. Today you give kisses to anyone who asks, puckering up and smacking, "mwah"! Your first tooth appeared at nearly 7 months, a battle we are still fighting today, with various tooth buds appearing and molars painfully and slowly creeping in. You said "mama" at nearly 8 months. Though speech is not coming quickly to you, you are great at communicating what you want. You know many signs and your sweet voice and new words are music to my ears! I love that you say "hot" for anything that you know is forbidden to you, from Grandpa's cup of coffee, to the fan, to the computer! You waved for the first time 10 months, something that still makes me smile when I see you wave good-bye, in your stiff armed-flat handed way. On November 20th you took your first step in this world. The first step of many milestones to come...and I can't wait to see them all!

Happy Birthday Jacob, my first son

7 years ago today I was a scared single woman, living with a man who, 9 months earlier, had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. Blunt, I know, but I've been dilluting the facts for so long, it feels good to get them out full strength. We were at my future mother-in-law's apartment, eating breakfast and waiting for a phone call from Nora. She'd called Nick the night before, letting him know that he was going to the hospital. He'd only seen her once during her entire pregnancy, and she didn't want him with her during delivery.
Rose called the hospital and was transferred to the room. Nora herself answered, she'd delivered just a half-hour earlier. A little boy. Nick & Rose headed off to the hospital and I was left alone with my thoughts. I hadn't even told my parents yet. I was really hoping that after the paternity testing, everything would clear up. This little boy wouldn't be Nick's after all, and I could go back to my real life, the life that was waiting to happen for me.
That didn't happen of course. This little boy, whom they would name Jacob Nickolas, would become my life, forcing me to become his surrogate mother when his mother was unable to, making me love him when I tried so hard to resist.
And so you are my first son, born 7 years ago today. You call me Mom, though it hurts Nora when you do it. She's admitted to me that it means so much to her that I was there for you when she couldn't be. I'm still here for you, my little boy.

I took off my wedding ring yesterday. I'd already taken off my other two rings, the little circle of heart that Nick gave me for our first Christmas and the garnet that I'd picked out for my birthday last year. I asked him at lunch yesterday if he wanted it back. He looked me in the eye and said "You keep it. I gave it to you. Maybe Ian will want it someday". I've always loved my ring. We saw it at JcPenney's, in the sale section. A simple diamond with a gold & platinum band. It looks just like my mom's wedding ring. I had to laugh, thinking that maybe Ian would want my wedding ring. It's certainly not good luck, is it?
He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy living with my parents. I was thrown off by him looking at my face. Rarely does he connect in that way, by actually looking directly at me. I stared back and said, "Yes, I am". He's moving into his own apartment. I've already made it very clear to him that I will not be moving in with him. I can't do that roller-coaster again. He wasn't understanding; "But I have a good job. I'm never late, I've only been sick twice." That's not the point, I told him. You never know when things can change. You promised me this 5 years ago when we moved into our other apartment, that you would pay half the rent and then you lost your job and I had to struggle to pay everything myself.
"If you decide next month, or a year down the line, he said, "that you want to move back in with me...I can't say that I'll be able to say yes, that I'll have the same feelings for you again".
That's fine, I told him. I'm okay with that.
I told him that we'll just stay separated for the time being, as divorce is so expensive. We will work out child support on our own, as long as he can stick to paying money every paycheck as agreed upon. I asked him to please tell me if he decides to get involved with someone else, just to give me the courtesy as I would do for him.
I'm moving on...and I feel pretty good, though I won't deny that I get that burning in my eyes and nose of tears being held back as I write about it.

Happy Mother's Day to me

I don't know what I was expecting. It's not like he even knows what day of the week it is most of the time, why would I think that he would remember? After not hearing from him all day on Sunday, I called him at 7:30. He said that he would be over in a while to see Ian before bedtime. I asked him if he had called his mom. He said that his phone had run out of minutes, but he used our house phone. That's when he found out. I knew that he hadn't remembered, even though I'd just reminded him on Friday, as him if he'd sent his mother a card. He hadn't, of course.

"Juls, I'm sorry I forgot. Happy Mother's Day. But you know that money is really tight for me..."

I stood up off the couch and looked him squarely in the eye. "It's not about a gift. You know that doesn't matter to me. It's being recognized. I'm the mother of your son. I just wanted that to be recognized."

I walked him to the door. Ian wanted to go outside, so we stood on the porch as Nick started his car and drove away.