Happy Birthday Jacob, my first son

7 years ago today I was a scared single woman, living with a man who, 9 months earlier, had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. Blunt, I know, but I've been dilluting the facts for so long, it feels good to get them out full strength. We were at my future mother-in-law's apartment, eating breakfast and waiting for a phone call from Nora. She'd called Nick the night before, letting him know that he was going to the hospital. He'd only seen her once during her entire pregnancy, and she didn't want him with her during delivery.
Rose called the hospital and was transferred to the room. Nora herself answered, she'd delivered just a half-hour earlier. A little boy. Nick & Rose headed off to the hospital and I was left alone with my thoughts. I hadn't even told my parents yet. I was really hoping that after the paternity testing, everything would clear up. This little boy wouldn't be Nick's after all, and I could go back to my real life, the life that was waiting to happen for me.
That didn't happen of course. This little boy, whom they would name Jacob Nickolas, would become my life, forcing me to become his surrogate mother when his mother was unable to, making me love him when I tried so hard to resist.
And so you are my first son, born 7 years ago today. You call me Mom, though it hurts Nora when you do it. She's admitted to me that it means so much to her that I was there for you when she couldn't be. I'm still here for you, my little boy.

I took off my wedding ring yesterday. I'd already taken off my other two rings, the little circle of heart that Nick gave me for our first Christmas and the garnet that I'd picked out for my birthday last year. I asked him at lunch yesterday if he wanted it back. He looked me in the eye and said "You keep it. I gave it to you. Maybe Ian will want it someday". I've always loved my ring. We saw it at JcPenney's, in the sale section. A simple diamond with a gold & platinum band. It looks just like my mom's wedding ring. I had to laugh, thinking that maybe Ian would want my wedding ring. It's certainly not good luck, is it?
He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy living with my parents. I was thrown off by him looking at my face. Rarely does he connect in that way, by actually looking directly at me. I stared back and said, "Yes, I am". He's moving into his own apartment. I've already made it very clear to him that I will not be moving in with him. I can't do that roller-coaster again. He wasn't understanding; "But I have a good job. I'm never late, I've only been sick twice." That's not the point, I told him. You never know when things can change. You promised me this 5 years ago when we moved into our other apartment, that you would pay half the rent and then you lost your job and I had to struggle to pay everything myself.
"If you decide next month, or a year down the line, he said, "that you want to move back in with me...I can't say that I'll be able to say yes, that I'll have the same feelings for you again".
That's fine, I told him. I'm okay with that.
I told him that we'll just stay separated for the time being, as divorce is so expensive. We will work out child support on our own, as long as he can stick to paying money every paycheck as agreed upon. I asked him to please tell me if he decides to get involved with someone else, just to give me the courtesy as I would do for him.
I'm moving on...and I feel pretty good, though I won't deny that I get that burning in my eyes and nose of tears being held back as I write about it.

Happy Mother's Day to me

I don't know what I was expecting. It's not like he even knows what day of the week it is most of the time, why would I think that he would remember? After not hearing from him all day on Sunday, I called him at 7:30. He said that he would be over in a while to see Ian before bedtime. I asked him if he had called his mom. He said that his phone had run out of minutes, but he used our house phone. That's when he found out. I knew that he hadn't remembered, even though I'd just reminded him on Friday, as him if he'd sent his mother a card. He hadn't, of course.

"Juls, I'm sorry I forgot. Happy Mother's Day. But you know that money is really tight for me..."

I stood up off the couch and looked him squarely in the eye. "It's not about a gift. You know that doesn't matter to me. It's being recognized. I'm the mother of your son. I just wanted that to be recognized."

I walked him to the door. Ian wanted to go outside, so we stood on the porch as Nick started his car and drove away.

He showed up on my porch this morning as I was leaving for work, crying and holding a money order in his hand. It was for his half of the rent at the apartment he's sharing with a friend. "This was supposed to be for our vacation", he cried. I held him in the doorway while he sobbed on my shoulder.
He left on Sunday; moved out, said he couldn't live here anymore. I don't support him enough, he said, like a wife should. He wants to try marriage counseling, but says that he can't move back in, not to this place, my parent's house.
I invited him in, told him that we would still go on a vacation. We can save the money again. Saving doesn't come easy to him. He spends freely, without guilt, buys what he wants without remorse. This thought, of saving again, just makes him cry more. It's okay, we can still take the boys to the amusement park. "But that's not the big vacation I was envisioning..." Oh, well, I say, it will have to do.
I told him to come over whenever he wants. He needs to see the boys. Come over after work sometimes, I tell him. Don't let himself become a stranger to Ian. We can all go out to dinner. He nods and wipes his eyes.
We hear Ian talking in his crib, waking for the day. "Da-da, da-da, da-da" he sings. We spy on him, making his teddy bear dance to the rhythm of his song. Nick bursts into the room and Ian jumps to stand, excited to see the subject of his morning song. But he sees me hiding in the doorway and laughs at me instead, arms outstretched. Ian's way of letting Nick know that he's upset by Daddy's sudden absense: ignoring him completely.
I give Ian a kiss and Nick one more hug. I leave them both standing in the kitchen, deciding what cereal to start the day with. Day by day, I think, just take it day by day and we'll see where it goes.